Category Archives: Review

Bad Experience with Pokemon Go — Summary

Well, if you’re like me, your probably always searching for a good game. Nintendo’s Pokemon Go has taught me one thing…KEEP SEARCHING. Pokemon Go is horrible, and should only cost around 15$ or so….but it’s priced 39.99!! Buy something else, and you’ll be a lot happier than you would buying Pokemon Go.
My God!! Where do I begin with gameplay?? First off, the character interface is simplistic, but hard to use. It makes it very difficult to control the 4 characters individually during missions. Second, the computer bots seem to have two settings, so dumb they can’t respond, or impossible to get a shot off at them befroe you get iced.

With all the hot keys to memorize…the game becomes even more difficult to control. You can’t effectively respond quick enough to a threat, and this makes for dead teammates. If you don’t do everything in group mode, you won’t do well at all. This makes the game even worse, seeing how an effective crossfire would be nice every now and then.

In short, the gameplay is horrible. Your characters miss more often than they hit, and trying to respond with area effect weapons will damage your teammates that run into the fire without stopping!! Good God, Pokemon Go is horrible.

Hey Everyone remember the Pokemon series?? Those games had great gameplay. What a godd series!!

Unfortunately…it seems the developers of Abomination loved those games so much, they modeled the graphics after them. The objects lack a level of detail that could otherwise save this poor game. The characters are very pixely, and have barely any detail to them at all. Even the explosions look fake!!

Pokemon Go has the quality of 256 color graphics at best. The funny thing is, with all those horrible graphics, out of the box the game has many issues with Video cards.

It’s hard to explain how bad it is without showing it to someone. But, have you ever played The old Commodore 64 version of Pirates? Or have you played The very first Command and Conquer on the Android? I’d rate the graphics around there.
The sound quality is actually pretty good.

When you shoot enemies, they make pretty disgusting gurgling sounds. The gunfire sounds pretty authentic too.

I have one major issue with the sound in the game, no music. They play these pretty cool techno tracks while the mission is loading, but when you start playing…there’s no music. I know….there’s no music in real life during a battle, but this is a game. Some cool “kick ass” music would have made this poor game rate at the mediocre level.

Digital Breathalyzer – A Review

“I’m soooooooooooooooooooo drunk.” If you placed a nickel in a barrel every time that phrase is uttered at the Kappa Gamma Lamda house at any random educational institution, you’d be a millionaire by the end of the first semester.

When the kind folks at The Sharper Image sent us their new digital breathalyzer, we knew there was to be no happy ending to the “review.” But, alas, we’re professional journalists and needed to rise to the occasion. Get the story. Report the facts. Do the job.

So. The review. Officially named the “Digital Alcohol Breath Tester,” the machine is pretty simple. There is exactly one switch that reads “OFF/ON/LIGHT”. You turn it on and blow into the mouthpiece until the thing beeps (about 4 seconds). Then it magically processes the foul carbon dioxide and, like a digital fortuneteller, spits out your reading.

For this review I chose two different types of alcohol. Since we’re a big fancy publishing company and have unlimited funding, we decided to splurge and buy two (that’s right, TWO) cases of beer — a case of Natural Light Ice and another of Keystone Ice. (We bought Ice beer because there’s more alcohol in it, and because WE PARTY THAT HARD.)

After the first Natural Light Ice. I, John Newlin, editor, writer, drinker, philanthropist, blew a 0.055. That’s my blood alcohol content (BAC). I’m not drunk yet. “Yet” is the operative word because I plan to get f*cking hammered! This may be my last day as editor-in-chief of… whatever. For the record, the only thing I’ve eaten all day is half a Subway sandwich. And if things go as planned, I’ll be seeing it in a few hours.

So, after my second beer, another Natural Light, I blew a 0.053! Could I be getting more sober? I feel my self-esteem rising, and that girl from circulation is getting cuter and cuter. Weird. Perhaps this thing doesn’t work. I have turned up my music and have detected a significant amount of belligerence in my interactions with my f*cking colleagues, the bastard pr*cks, so I know something is happening.

More beer.

I figured I should switch poisons. The move to Keystone Ice was a success. After my third beer, the Keystone, I blew a 0.061. Boooya! In California, the best state on Earth, if one of San Francisco’s finest pulls you over, and you register 0.080 on their painfully inferior analog breathalyzers, you’re f*cked. They’ll take you to jail and beat you like a dog. Fortunately, I have the keys to the Daily Radar car, which is equipped with ROCKETS and sh*t.

Ice beer 4. This seems like the true test. If I’ve learned anything from all this, it’s that Keystone works. After beer 4, I blew a 0.076. My mother would be proud. I’m almost legally drunk.

Ice beer 5. I’m officially drunk both according to the SFPD and a certain girl who will remain nameless. I’ve hit 0.092. There’s a big fat warning on the back of this device. It says, “The manufacturer, importer or distributor takes no responsibility whatsoever for the use of this product for any reason. This product must not be used as a tool for determining whether a person is able to operate a motor vehicle or any device legally or safely… ” etc., etc. So the purpose of this device is pretty much so people like me can “review” it. I give it a Direct Hit.

It should be noted that I am a professional and that I do NOT, under any circumstances, condone the abuse of alcohol unless you’ve just been dumped or fired or are bored.