“I’m soooooooooooooooooooo drunk.” If you placed a nickel in a barrel every time that phrase is uttered at the Kappa Gamma Lamda house at any random educational institution, you’d be a millionaire by the end of the first semester.
When the kind folks at The Sharper Image sent us their new digital breathalyzer, we knew there was to be no happy ending to the “review.” But, alas, we’re professional journalists and needed to rise to the occasion. Get the story. Report the facts. Do the job.
So. The review. Officially named the “Digital Alcohol Breath Tester,” the machine is pretty simple. There is exactly one switch that reads “OFF/ON/LIGHT”. You turn it on and blow into the mouthpiece until the thing beeps (about 4 seconds). Then it magically processes the foul carbon dioxide and, like a digital fortuneteller, spits out your reading.
For this review I chose two different types of alcohol. Since we’re a big fancy publishing company and have unlimited funding, we decided to splurge and buy two (that’s right, TWO) cases of beer — a case of Natural Light Ice and another of Keystone Ice. (We bought Ice beer because there’s more alcohol in it, and because WE PARTY THAT HARD.)
After the first Natural Light Ice. I, John Newlin, editor, writer, drinker, philanthropist, blew a 0.055. That’s my blood alcohol content (BAC). I’m not drunk yet. “Yet” is the operative word because I plan to get f*cking hammered! This may be my last day as editor-in-chief of… whatever. For the record, the only thing I’ve eaten all day is half a Subway sandwich. And if things go as planned, I’ll be seeing it in a few hours.
So, after my second beer, another Natural Light, I blew a 0.053! Could I be getting more sober? I feel my self-esteem rising, and that girl from circulation is getting cuter and cuter. Weird. Perhaps this thing doesn’t work. I have turned up my music and have detected a significant amount of belligerence in my interactions with my f*cking colleagues, the bastard pr*cks, so I know something is happening.
I figured I should switch poisons. The move to Keystone Ice was a success. After my third beer, the Keystone, I blew a 0.061. Boooya! In California, the best state on Earth, if one of San Francisco’s finest pulls you over, and you register 0.080 on their painfully inferior analog breathalyzers, you’re f*cked. They’ll take you to jail and beat you like a dog. Fortunately, I have the keys to the Daily Radar car, which is equipped with ROCKETS and sh*t.
Ice beer 4. This seems like the true test. If I’ve learned anything from all this, it’s that Keystone works. After beer 4, I blew a 0.076. My mother would be proud. I’m almost legally drunk.
Ice beer 5. I’m officially drunk both according to the SFPD and a certain girl who will remain nameless. I’ve hit 0.092. There’s a big fat warning on the back of this device. It says, “The manufacturer, importer or distributor takes no responsibility whatsoever for the use of this product for any reason. This product must not be used as a tool for determining whether a person is able to operate a motor vehicle or any device legally or safely… ” etc., etc. So the purpose of this device is pretty much so people like me can “review” it. I give it a Direct Hit.
It should be noted that I am a professional and that I do NOT, under any circumstances, condone the abuse of alcohol unless you’ve just been dumped or fired or are bored.